destination unknown

With summer just around the corner, I often find myself browsing travel sites for destination vacations.  Unfortunately, my idea of a "week away" differs greatly from what my boyfriend perceives as the perfect getaway.  This first became clear to me two days before our first vacation together, when he suddenly announced that he had changed our travel plans - he had found a "brilliant" replacement for our meticulously planned long weekend in Florida:

Takeaway: Men never grow up.  I wish I could elaborate on this, but sometimes, less is more.

seen and heard: the bro code

Calling all How I Met Your Mother Fans! For those of you who watch the show, you can probably understand my slight obsession with Barney.  I find him strangely endearing - although if I ever encountered a man like him, I'm sure I would run the other way.  Nonetheless, I highly recommend checking out "Barney's Blog" for a somewhat disturbing look into our favorite bro's thoughts.  Enjoy!

breaking the ice

Remember the formal event that I told you about?  Let's flash back to a few days before the event, when attendees were scrambling to finalize plans.  I was chatting with a dear girlfriend about her need for a date to the event.  Suddenly, our male friend (who had clearly been eavesdropping) interjected with a handful of suggestions for potential suitors.  One of his top contenders was his younger brother, who is apparently quite the prize:

Takeaway: Men can (and will!) use irrelevant details to support their assertions.  Before pointing out the gaping holes in his argument, take a moment to admire his creativity.  

seen and heard: it starts young

This week's Seen and Heard Sunday is dedicated to two young men who prove that the cryptic male dialogue starts very early in life. 

dressed to the nines

I had the pleasure experience of accompanying my boyfriend to a formal dinner party last night.  As I danced the night away with my girlfriends, he sipped cocktails and argued with his "bros" over who looked best in a suit and tie.  Needless to say, those cocktails caught up to him fairly quickly.  When friends asked about the whereabouts of my lovely counterpart, I begrudgingly pointing to the winner in the center of the room who was provoking dance-offs with strangers.  I thought we were in the clear when the clock struck twelve and our carriage (a.k.a sketchy NYC car service) showed up to whisk us away.  As my boyfriend strutted out the door with an unwarranted confidence, I realized that I was wrong.

 

Takeaway:  Sometimes silent gratification is all we need, ladies.  If he strategically changes terminology to admit the mistakes that you've already pointed out, it means that he knows he was wrong but can't admit it.  Score one for Team Estrogen.

seen and heard sundays

Today marks the start of a new weekly thread on Lost in Manslations- Seen and Heard Sundays.  In the age of new media, men have flocked to the world wide web to broadcast their musings.  Sundays will be dedicated to aggregating and sharing these gems with my lovely followers.

The following gems were pulled off of Twitter:

Follow us on Twitter! @ohmanslations

unneeded stress

My best male friend has become somewhat of a workaholic recently.  I have been concerned about his lack of social activity, so being the good friend that I am, I attempted to break him out of his rut by inviting him to happy hour.  He quickly shot down my invitation and informed me that he would rather go home than be social.  About an hour later, my blackberry buzzed with this text:

Takeaway: As females, we are culturally trained to worry about our friends and loved ones.  We all too often forget that stress and anxiety can cause unneeded wrinkles and those stray gray hairs.  Therefore, avoid worrying about him as much as possible.  His epiphany will come when his jeans no longer button and Call of Duty is his new best friend.

good as new

My brother has faced his fair share of injuries.  As the sister of an athlete and self-dubbed "man of nature", I have become accustomed to his frequent phone calls that detail his latest bump or break.  However, he managed to surprise me when he called to detail his recent biking accident and subsequent front flip over the handlebars into the cement:

Takeaway: Primal instincts encourage men to be resourceful. Avoid emasculating him by allowing him to handle crises in the way that he deems fit.  However, when his method fails (i.e. his wounds become severely infected), feel free to step in and take over.

colorful cocktails

The relationship between men and fruity drinks has always interested me.  I have been told by many that it is "embarrassing" or "emasculating" to order colorful cocktails, despite the fact that they tend to be delicious.  My boyfriend has always subscribed to this mindset, so I was shocked last night when he confidently declared to our waitress that he would like to try the Prickly Pear Martini.

Takeaway: Beer gets boring.  If he can justify his choice of beverage, then support it...even if the drink is neon pink and rimmed with sugar. 

oscar interruptions

I made one thing clear to my boyfriend on Sunday night: the Academy Awards are to me what the Superbowl is to him.  I assumed he understood what I was trying to imply (minimal distractions from him, unless food was involved) but found that I was very, very wrong as he proceeded to chatter away and talk over the acceptance speeches.  Apparently, I missed one of his jokes while I was busy swooning over James Franco.

Takeaway: Ignoring him is mean.  However, pretending to listen by laughing and contributing an occasional "yeah", "definitely", and "are you serious" may pass as adequate on those "rare" occasions when you are unable to grant him your full undivided attention. 

economical decisions

Being surrounded by men has taught me that observation is often more comical than participation.  I acted on this learning last week as my boyfriend and male roommate discussed how to spend their bonuses:

Takeaway: When men get attached to an idea, logical thought processes can take a backseat to impulsivity.  Just let it happen. They'll come back to reality soon enough.

one is greater than none

Ladies, I have a secret to share with you all: we are not the only ones who often find ourselves lost in manslations.  I've watched my male friends and family members throw up their hands in frustration at the nonsensical (and sometimes borderline stupid) comments that are made by their own gender class.  My roommate recently met a girl that he felt would be the perfect match for his single best friend.  Unfortunately, his bestie's attention span was subpar:

Takeaway: The fact that he picked up on even one word of your conversation indicated that he is, in fact, listening.  Keep in mind that it could be worse.

a blooming birthday

My brother has a very structured approach for gift giving.  I can always count on him to call me approximately two days before a loved one's birthday to ask about what "we" will be purchasing.  He thinks he is being clever by slyly attaching his name to my heartfelt gift ideas, but he surprised me this year when he attempted to add his own twist to our mother's birthday gift:

 Takeaway: It is easy to get frustrated with men for their laziness, but their idiotic contributions can evoke even more frustration.  Keep in mind that they mean well, and accept it for what it is.

directionally challenged

The following gem was submitted by Jamie (read about her trials and tribulations as a long distance girlfriend here!).  She found herself lost in both Manslation and the city of Manhattan when she received this vague text message from a male friend:

Takeaway: It is a well-known stereotype that men do not like to ask for directions.  They are much more comfortable wandering around aimlessly until they stumble upon their intended destination.  Don't be surprised when they expect the same from you.

late for a very important date

A few months ago, I found myself pacing through my living room and repeatedly dialing my boyfriend's phone number.  He had called earlier in the day to tell me that he made reservations at an exclusive NYC restaurant and would pick me up at 7:30 after a "quick drink" with a coworker.  Naturally, I was fuming when the clock hit 8:00 and my normally prompt boyfriend was nowhere to be found.  You can imagine my reaction when I found him giggling in the hallway, debating whether or not to ring my doorbell:

Takeaway: You may want to stab a pencil through his eye right now, but in six months, his innocent justifications for bad behavior will become a shared memory that you laugh about. 

language barrier

I recently sat down with my male best friend to discuss his love life.  He was frustrated about the fact that he continuously dated girls that weren't right for him, or as he explained, "bat shit crazy".  From my perspective, the basis of his problem was simple: he had to find a girl who had similar interests and a lifestyle that complimented his own. I pressed him to identify his "passion", because after all, how was he supposed to find a girl with similar interests if he couldn't define them himself?

 Takeaway: It is possible that who he is and who he wants to be are not always the same person.  It is also possible that he is oblivious to this fact.

organic ideas

 As I was trying to come up with a playful name for this blog, I initiated a brainstorming session with the boyfriend.  My request was simple - I asked him to think of a "short, catchy, and organic tagline". Apparently, my choice of the term "organic" was a bit problematic for someone who was only directing about 20% of his attention to our brainstorm.  I received a quick (and very serious) response:

Takeaway: Be careful, because literal will often trump metaphorical.

the art of manslation

I want to clarify one specific point: I have the utmost respect for my guy and adore his manly ways.  With that being said, I have spent countless hours attempting to decipher his cryptic text messages and understand his fragmented thought process.  The fun doesn't stop there, though.  I also have a kind-hearted but headstrong roommate who prides himself on being a cliched "bro", a male best friend who rarely takes life seriously, and a 6'5" 250 pound brother who's training to be a professional boxer.  My life is like a bad episode of "My Boys"...but I wouldn't have it any other way.

After years of navigating my way through bro territory, I've learned to adapt to their ways and am ready to translate my pain into your gain.  Enjoy my stories, experiences, and learnings.

Have you ever found yourself lost in manslation? Email me your stories at mbl1941{at}gmail.com !